Lonely Hearts At Sea

US Navy Can’t Get A Date

Bremerton, WA — Home to the fabled Naval Station Bremerton of World War II fame, this sleepy town of forty thousand souls recently held a focus group dedicated to dating.

Termed “Full Hearts At Sea,” the focus group featured a bevy of swabs — seamen, mates of various rates (ie occupations), and petty officers. Whatever their job, whatever their ranks, this group of sailors all agreed on one thing: It’s hard to get a date.

What follows is a lightly edited series of comments made by the sailors. By prior agreement, their initials only will be used for attribution.

JL: I don’t know about you niggers, but the whole 911 thang just isn’t working for me. Great granddaddy, my granddad, me pops, all the same. Bitches are hanging all over them when they get shore leave. Me? I get nothing. Nuuuhthing!

TR: I feel you. When I got shipped here, all I could think of was Old Salt (ie the USS Nimitz, longest-serving aircraft carrier in the US Navy). Then, first joint I walk into and some girl at the bar says, “OLD Salt, huh?” She laughed and went back to talking to her friends. I was like, “Whatever!”

MN: So true. Some chica was like, “You don’t even have a real job.” And, I was like, “What?!” I mean, I get what she’s saying, Johnny Reb’s (ie the aircraft carrier USS John C. Stennis) been in overhaul for years, but she’ll be back soon and then we’ll see some real shit. I told her, but she was just like, “Yeah, and who you gonna fight?”

PC: What’d you say?

MN: I said, “I don’t know. The Russians? Chinese?” And, she’s like, “Yeah, cushy gig that. Steaming all over the world on the taxpayer’s dime looking for somebody to mix it up with. Nice.”

SL: I had a girl say that to me last night. “It’s like you’re on welfare or something.”

(Several groans break out in the focus group.)

TR: Yeah, well, what does she do?

SL: I don’t know. Real estate or something.

DO: Bring up the Syrians.

VR: Oh, hell no! I did that once, and the bitch was all over me. “Yeah, you the big man, in your big boat, dropping bombs and shit on a bunch of dumb villagers in Africa. You the man!”

GJ: I would explain to her that an aircraft carrier is a ship and not a boat.

(More groans break out.)

GJ: Okay, well how about that Syria’s not even in Africa?

EB: Dude, shut the hole!

GJ: Well, I’m just pointing out that our carriers had a bang up year, this last one. A record high number of deployments.

JL: Which is why they all rusting out. We need some new ones. The bitches’ll like that!

TR: I feel you! I feel you!

(They high five.)

GJ: Sure. Anybody got 13 billion so these swabs can go on a date?